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3. The Da Nang Dunts (2024) – Vietnam stop over

It is now 2024, and a full year has passed since the Dunts, inaugural tour.

All three gang members found themselves not only still very much alive, but chomping at the bit for more.

They knew they’d be drinking quite a lot of beer on their next trip, so like the battle-hardened preppers they are, they drank quite a lot of beer throughout the year-long planning stage.

A man wearing a colorful, tall hat with stripes and a playful design, standing outdoors with greenery in the background. — *Prepping and planning*

A man wearing a colorful party hat stands outdoors, holding a stick in one hand and a can in the other. He is dressed in a tank top and shorts with paint splatters, with grass and trees in the background. — *Prepping and planning*

Believing they were now way wiser, far fitter and heaps healthier, our three rapscallions departed Australian shores, way worse, far fatter and heaps heavier, this time taking on Cambodia, Laos and Northern Vietnam.

But first though, the Dunts had to return briefly to Vung Tau, Vietnam.

To this day, Member and Sarge still aren’t sure why their president took them back to Vung Tau, although they do have a lingering suspicion.

A group of five people enjoying drinks in a vibrant bar setting with colorful lighting and decorative walls, smiling and posing for a selfie. — *Possibly President Thor’s reason for returning was in the hope of signing a recording contract*

It may have had something to do with President Thor checking if any Vietnamese ladies were carrying three-month-old babies on their hips, possibly with an Everton FC birthmark.

As far as Sarge and Member are aware, no three-legged babies were identified that resembled Thor.

A positive to returning somewhere you’ve already been, is that you know the lay of the land a little better. Things like, where to find a decent but cheap hotel with a good makeup mirror, massages, primo food, cold beers and, of course, good vibes.

A negative to returning somewhere you’ve already been, would be realising one now has to pay child custody support.

No such negatives were identified during this visit.

There are so many delights in Vietnam. Some of their women are absolutely stunning, for one. But it offers so much more than that: the nature, culture, food, and of course, the people in general.

Two cups of iced coffee with cream on top, placed on a wooden table, with a person in the background enjoying the view at sunset. — The Dunts already loved Vietnamese coffees, and re-indulged many times, especially with Vietnamese iced coffee, ‘cà phê sữa đá’. They are phenomenal! Also phenomenal are their mix of teas, which are mega flavoursome!

A man wearing a blue helmet rides a scooter with a small black and white dog perched on his back, both visible on a city street. — *A bikie mutt*

A person is grilling a round rice paper topped with vegetables and meats on a charcoal grill, using tongs to manage the cooking process. — *The Dunts’ fresh food experiences were also great.*

Sign advertising street food items: 'Bánh Tráng Nướng' which is grilled rice paper, and 'Bắp Xào' which is stir-fried corn, with illustrations of each dish. — *The Dunts’ fresh food experiences were also great.*

The Dunts love Southern Vietnam, but for this chapter, Cambodia, Laos and Northern Vietnam were calling loudly, and Vietnam was the stepping stone to get there. A nice stone they’d willingly step on any time.

As a pack, the Da Nang Dunts changed undies and countries…

4. The Da Nang Dunts – Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Having previously visited Cambodia, President Thor again took lead and booked his motley crew into somewhere unknown in Phnom Penh.

Uncoincidentally, there was a dodgy Aussie Bar across the road from the hotel.

As is the norm in South-East Asia, there were the inevitable bar girls serving beers. All lovely of course, including a deaf-mute young lady who naturally didn’t speak a word of English, or even Cambodian, as far as the Dunts were aware.

Realising a slight flaw in Thor’s planning stage by not having taken extracurricular deaf-language studies, the Da Nang Dunts ventured outwards, hunting memories to make.

*A lady of the night receiving a late-night delivery of plants for her place of employment*

*Two different, but very real elements of Phnom Penh life in one photo*

The Phnom Penh stay was short but still included at least one extremely good night out resulting in one extremely bad hangover, one cunning scam, and of course, the very sobering, Killing Fields.

Sombre sufferings from liquid abuse the night before dissipated when visiting Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, or, as it’s also known, the Khmer Rouge prison S-21.

Tens of thousands lost their lives with only a very few surviving, the last two being Chum Mey and Bou Meng.

Meeting them both was a privilege the Dunts still value greatly.

Please, read their stories. What happened in Cambodia then remains a sad blight on humanity.

Now, some would argue the following is paranoia, some not. But when three dudes, all of whom worked together under the same boss, flee to places unknown to be lost in the masses, are then shoulder tapped by said boss… yeah, nah, surely not, nothing to see here… not even a little paranoia😉

*One of these things is not like the other…*

A dehydrated, hungover visit to S-21 on a day pushing 40°C was, in hindsight, somewhat unwise. A struggle indeed!

But not even mention-worthy really, compared to the struggles that went on here.

*Unpleasant photos but worthy of sharing*

Now, imagine this…

Some of the Dunts’ best massages have been down dodgy back alleys, given by century-old, partly toothed, wrinkled up, one armed, withered women. This one was not that.

A main road joint advertising too cheap to be true massage deals, sucking ol’ Sarge straight in like a Dunt to a cold beer. One of the worst massages in the history of mankind was had.

But it’s this next part where the story gets a little bit funky.

It wasn’t until paying for dinner later that night that the repercussions of that massage came to light.

The restaurant would not accept Sarge’s hard-earned cash in exchange for his yummy dinner, and for good reason too.

Sarge had unwittingly attempted to pay with a fake US$100 note.

Imagine the bewildered drunk conversations, head-scratching as to the who, what, where, when, why and how this was even happening.

But sure enough, there it was right there at the bottom of the note, the word ‘copy’.

How could this be? It was only withdrawn from the ATM across the road a few hours earlier.

Conversations were had with restaurant staff and other customers who spoke of a possible explanation to this mystery. Dodgy massage parlours that, not only steal cash from wallets, but also exchange fake notes for genuine notes.

Surely not!

Sarge had placed his valuables inside a lockable cupboard inside the same room as his massage, even locking it and removing the key.

Nobody entered the room, leaving only him and the worst massage therapist in the history of the entire world, ever… unless, there was a false back to the cupboard that could be accessed from the next room.

Dwelling upon it later, Sarge reckoned he knew how Dr. David Banner from The Incredible Hulk felt during his transformation stage.

Sarge may have got a little bit angry.

Sarge did not turn green though (not counting the following day’s hangover).

The other Dunts offered genuinely wise pieces of advice like ‘Sit down man’, ‘Have another beer, dude’, ‘Let it go, bro’, and, ‘Definitely, do not go back there because you may die!’.

Sarge loves sitting down.

As for having another beer, well that’s one of his favourite things in the whole wide world.

And apart from one world cup poisoning incident, he has throughout his life let quite a few things go.

He’s also never been real keen on dying either.

But Sarge has also never been a great fan of being scammed.

So, against very sound advice, Sarge went back to the scene of the crime.

Noticing the look in their Sergeant at Arms’ eyes, President Thor and Member quickly confirmed his NOK contact details, and started working out how much refund they’ll receive from hotel rooms should he die.

Exactly what went on during Sarge’s return to the scene of the crime remains a mystery to this day.

One particular rumour said he stopped off to grab a massage therapist sized coffin.

There were whisperings of frantic calls made and text messages sent, resulting in Sarge exiting somewhat astutely.

But what remains living legend in the Da Nang Dunts history is that Sarge returned with his original genuine US$100 note… and, both he, and his note, were intact, untorn, and very much not dead.

The celebration was large and long and, overtly alcohol fuelled.

Later, much later, in fact, a drunken Sarge did something he immediately regretted.

Forgetting his note was the paper American denomination cash and not the un-rippable Australian equivalent, he ripped that now infamous note, almost completely in two.

He knew all too well that in many parts of Asia, this note would now, in essence, be worthless.

His glowing smile immediately dissipated and his heart sank.

His mates got him another beer and as quickly as his smile faded, it returned with great gusto, until he woke up the next morning with a sore head.

Sarge does not like hangovers, especially on travel day.

*A great night, although the morning after wasn’t*

But, like many events our Dunt characters deal with, it all just adds to the story along the way.

The following day felt like time to move on, so a struggling six-hour cab ride to Siem Reap ensued. Six hours is a very very long time to spend in a taxi when feeling Hulk green and trying hard not to vomit.

But Siem Reap does have Pub Street!

2. The Da Nang Dunts, Vietnam (southern)

Touch down, Ho Chi Minh (Saigon), some 1611km away.

Fresh faced, feeling young and vibrant, but actually raggedy old, broken and probably hung over, our three heathens’ arrival in Vietnam saw them embark on the second leg of their inaugural Da Nang Dunts tour.

Vietnam, such a remarkable country with an amazing history that two of the three scallywags were yet to learn. Thousands of years of ancient history dating back far beyond, the Vietnam War, that the Vietnamese understandably call ‘The American War’.

The plan for the remainder of The Established Tour, 2023, was rough as guts. Start in Saigon and return home alive after a couple of weeks.

Like savage wolves of the wilderness, they prowled the lands seeking food, shelter and comfort, surviving by natural instincts alone.

Not too dissimilar to a David Attenborough documentary of the African plains where the primal drive of wild animals draws all to watering holes in a drought, the innate instincts of the Da Nang Dunts found they were never really very thirsty. They appeared to have a remarkable natural ability to find their very own modern day watering holes of bars and cafes.

Although hungry on occasion, the Dunts unanimously decided to avoid this fisherman’s catch.

Over the next couple of weeks, President Thor took his wolf pack to some of his old haunts. Whenever they entered a new village, or even a bar, Sarge and Member would scan the faces of wide-eyed young children for any resemblance of their president. They also listened intently in case any had such names such as ‘Lil Thor, Thorette, Tack Hammer, Mallet’, or had deformities like three legs.

‘Do any of you recognise that man we call Thor?’

Some things, like irons, toilets, ice creams and street food seatings are very small in Vietnam. Not that the boys did much ironing on tour, but eating on the streets and urinating, they did heaps of. The street food was on the streets, the urinating was not.

If so inclined, a great little tip when travelling overseas is to hook up with locals. One then gets inside local knowledge, a translator if needed, cultural advice and so many other little perks. The key is to find someone you not only trust but whose company is pleasant.

President Thor enquiring about buying the bar

President Thor’s previous incursions into Vietnam had given both him and his gang somewhat of an insight. However, as much as he had propped up Vietnam’s economy over the years, he was just too wrinkly, weathered and Thor-ish, to be considered a genuine local. Genuine Vietnamese tend not to be sucked into Aussie bars full of crusty old expat men. Thor did.

On many an occasion, the other two gang members felt they’d somehow warped back into some Aussie outback bars. The usual dress code was a singlet and shorts (undies optional). Typically, there was usually an old white smoking male giving husbandry life a third or fourth attempt, whilst contributing to three generations of children from one set of swinging loins. Both Sarge and Member were not initially convinced they were being shown the ‘real Vietnam’.

Coffee and specialised teas in Vietnam are seriously next level awesome

Without doubt, two of the main must-see tourist ventures in Saigon are the Cu Chi Tunnels and the War Remnants Museum. There are undoubtedly other places, but it was these two tourist ventures that the Da Nang Dunts experienced. The locals, by the way, tend to use both Saigon and Ho Chi Minh in conversation.

Going into both the Cu Chi Tunnels and the War Remnants Museum with open minds, changed both Sarge and Member’s understanding of that part of history.

The Cu Chi Tunnels are but one of many throughout Vietnam. To comprehend what actually went on during that time of war, leaves one in genuine awe. Imagine traipsing through jungles without knowing your enemy was directly below you, amongst kilometres of tunnels with small vent and escape holes. It really was a remarkable time in history.

As for the War Remnants Museum, well that proved to be such an eye opener. In modern history, it’s the Vietnam War they’re mostly known for. However, the history of the country dates back thousands of years, during which time they were ruled by various empires including the Chinese for around 1000 years.

Should you ever visit Saigon, the Da Nang Dunts recommend these two experiences.

No bikes yet so mode of transport was by boat down to Vung Tau where a whole new set of adventures and learnings awaited the Da Nang Dunts. Learnings like, how to tell if a suspected woman is an actual woman, and not a transvestite. A rather important lesson in various parts of South East Asia.

Belly’s Watering Hole is an expat bar owned by an old Kiwi dude who calls Vung Tau, Vietnam, home. Although some wise tips like ‘the old bendy elbow trick’ are provided free over morning vodka, a tour of The Battle of Long Tan does cost. It is however, nice to know the funds are a donation that goes towards local children/orphanage. A note of respect for the Vietnamese Government that allows these events to continue.

It was whilst in Vung Tau that the Da Nang Dunts became a fully fledged bikie gang.

Trying to make a quick buck

Upon sourcing their very own very powerful hog (variants), with thunderous pipes drowning the cries of trauma from the public, whilst the suffocating heat was filled with anarchy of gasoline fumes punching through the humid air, the gang let the horses run free and leaned back in pure ecstasy as they lived as one with the vibrations of the heavy metal throbbing between their legs… until their piles ruptured.

With their nifty fifties beneath them, these boys were never to look through the same set of eyes ever again.

Vietnam is not all historical war history, far from it in fact. Although, they do have some quite cool museums, like this one the Dunts came across.

Seriously, you don’t wanna mess with these dudes, camel toe or not.

With the gang name being the Da Nang Dunts, one would assume the Dunts actually went to Da Nang, right? Of course they did.

Da Nang was a highlight, not only because of naming rights, but because, yeah alright, because of the gang name. But also the Dunts managed to vroom vroom here and vroom vroom there and found such stunning places such as Hoi An and surrounds.

Would you believe they do gang patch fittings in Hoi An? Don’t.

The historical scars left on this stunning country through all it’s twists and turns has ultimately played it’s part in making modern day Vietnam what it is today. Such an absolutely fascinating country. So much so that the Dunts made a point of returning to a year later.