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I woke up on the morning of my first wife’s seventh chemo session with her standing over me doing the ol’ Kathy Bates thing in Stephen King’s film, Misery. I kinda felt for James Caan in that moment.

I actually think she thought it was more of a Sleeping Beauty moment. You know, just before the prince kisses that sleeping sheila awake. I ain’t so sure though.

Anyway, it made me think back to when she recently bought me some flash new jandals but when I tried them on they were uncomfortable as fuck making me walk like a spastic. A very slow spastic.

Even a first wife with fully fledged bowel cancer and shit could catch me in them should I ever try to escape. But I ain’t going anywhere wife because if there’s one thing Croatian sheilas are good at, it’s their hunting prowess (and cooking, looking pretty and being a good little nagging first wives), so I wouldn’t like my chances.

Been over a month since I last blogged here and I’m seriously gunna have to work on my time management so these posts aren’t the watered down paraphrased versions like this one is… Especially when extreme hair loss, Christmas and New Years fall within that month.

But here goes…

To accommodate Christmas, our oncologist who I’m not allowed to call a gnome even though he looks like one, gave the first wife an extra week off chemo. He’s a good cunt like that but it wasn’t because it wasn’t needed. It was more to coincide with holidays so my cook wasn’t all fucked up for Christmas day.

Problem was though, the ol’ first wife’s blood test showed her immune system was lower than a league player’s interview skills, so chemo was postponed yet again making it a whole month between sessions. Sounds awesome, unless of course she needs the chemo… which she does.

Remember back to how she first identified this little cunty thing called cancer? She had swollen glands in her neck that have since shrunk. Not as much though as the oncologist who I’m not allowed to call a gnome even though he looks like one, would’ve liked.

Disclaimer: Marjana wanted me to remove the gnome comments but I couldn’t hear her so added this line to show her disproval. For the record though, I ain’t saying he’s not good. He’s awesome in fact… it’s just that he reminds me of a gnome. I like gnomes too though remember and I remind her of a bald spastic cunt so go figure.

On a positive though, her vertigo has finally fucked off thanks to some funky moves with some switched on vertigo physio sheila. That vertigo’s a real cunt of a thing man that really made this hill we’re climbing a lot steeper. The video at the end gives an insight into the effect it had on my first wife, even with only lying down or getting up.

Thinking her brain has been a bit spastic of late and yeah yeah yeah, I get that it’s probably from hanging with me too much but Marjana kept fucking up appointment times and dates, including one with our surgeon Peter. He’s a real good cunt though and I sorted a sneaky little work around with him without her knowing because some of my cook’s workmates had arranged a surprise Christmas party for her that ended up being the same time as she was supposed to be meeting Peter.

We had our surgeon meeting and then coincidentally bumped into a bunch of the first wife’s workmates for a great arvo. Being the wog that he is and not wanting to miss out on a party, even our local hero surgeon Peter came down for a meet and greet.

We’ve had some good times of late including a very nice weekend at Mooloolaba with some good mates, Biggles and Lexi. We partied, drunk heaps of piss and ate heaps (well one of us did).

We hope y’all enjoyed Christmas as much as we did. Fuck, it seems so long ago now aye.

Initially we were home with just our devil spawn and this was mega important for the first wife because Christmas and family should never be taken for granted. We’ve never really taken it for granted and always appreciated the occasion but this year we weren’t even sure the ol’ girl was gunna have another one. So to say it was appreciated is somewhat of an understatement.

We then headed to cuzzies Jason and Lisa where we… you guessed it; partied, drunk heaps of piss and ate heaps (well one of us did). Again appreciating the occasion, the company and an over abundance of shit that made me even fatter and even more of a spastic cunt.

Come boxing day we still weren’t quite fat enough so thought fuck it, lets have another Christmas party with some other good cunts who just so happen to be our neighbours we partied, drunk heaps of piss and ate heaps (well one of us did).

New years eve was more of the same with another couple of good mates Parso and his mrs from the land of kilts and funny sounding people.

Sorry if this blog has been a bit of a weird catch up one but the next one will be a little more up to date situationally on my first wife’s predicament.

Before that though I do need to acknowledge my boss Chris for nominating me for the 2019 – 2020 Redlands Police Officer of the Year award. He’s a good cunt himself whose going through some funky health shit of his own right now and could’ve actually won it himself if he was in fact nominated.

For those that don’t know, I actually won the award and it was an awesome moment. I wasn’t going to raise it here but have done ‘cos life as we’ve been reminded is about living and appreciating the fine things it has to offer between times that aint so fine. For me, winning that award was fantastic but seriously man, the highlight was that my first wife was there to witness it. That for me was a beautiful thing… even if it was during Movember and I looked like a spastic cunt with a revolting moustache.

Finally, a massive shout out to my other boss Darni who has had my back big time since I’ve been off work. Thank you heaps to you and the team who’ve been carrying me of late. Y’all a bunch of good cunts, I reckon.

And as mentioned above, here is that vertigo vid…