Tag: The Cancer Chronicles

The inevitable explosions have occurred so the final main tick has been achieved.

Having said that, it looks like she’ll probably be in over the weekend as a precautionary matter only.

My first wife asked if I could visit and she was told no. I phoned without knowing she’d already asked and was told I could visit for an hour. Marjana used the term ‘charmer’ but whatever it was, it worked.

She is coming along nicely and her scars are still a distant second to my rugby wounds but not bad for a sheila, I guess.

I took in the freshest of the flowers previously delivered and she loved them. They still smell fresh as too.

Talking about smells, I farted in her room to show her how its done, you know sort of in support and encouragement. If a nurse had walked in I was going to blame the first wife as that would’ve been very easily believed.

It was really nice to see her and she was happy as to have me visit too.

It took me almost the whole hour to read each name of every person that donated to the GoFundMe page but it was a nice moment and still is very heart warming.

I asked if I should stop these updates now or if she wanted to start posting. She told me to keep going as it makes her laugh and brings people together, so looks like I have to continue swearing like a motherfuck.

Me ol’ mate Biggles is still here so I aint gunna be thirsty.

Kodi has gone for 21-year-old fun.

Dilan has been busy as fuck and more about that later.

Spoke to our surgeon again of course and here’s ya Quote of the Day…

Surgeon: Geez mate, I feel like I risk my life every time I go to that Sunnybank hospital.

Me: Yeah, they can’t drive for shit there aye. Probably why they put a hospital there; just in case, aye.

Laughter 

Me: My cook drinks Marlborough Savs like a fish.

Surgeon: Yeah, its a beautiful part of the world. Just a shame about the inhabitants haha.

Me: Yeah, I’ll give ya that one after my Wallabies pisstake yesterday bro.

Laughter 

Benefits of visiting is have photos of her to post, rather than our garden 

Spoke to my first wife couple times today and she’s had better days (fuck man, a week ago every day was better, I guess).

Marjana is feeling tired and waiting on the last tick to come through before she gets to come home and that’s a big fat shit, which is still missing.

I’d offer to cover that for her like I do her speeding tickets but don’t think it’s gunna help much.

Our surgeon just phoned and it doesn’t look like she’ll be coming home tomorrow because of it.

Probably going to do a scan to check the bowel hasn’t twisted or some other funky thing going on 

But like I told her, it’s better she stays in hospital until she comes home with no complications… both her and our sugeon Peter agreed. Brainy cunt aye 

I finally succumbed to the mrs nagging about cleaning the house and had our cool neighbours Sam and Marty Barrett come over… or at least Sam as her cleaning skills are expert level and Dilan, Kodi and I are kinda feral. Happy now wife?

On a postive though (and it’s a fucking massive positive), the oncologist has reported back that the tumours are a variety that should respond well to treatment.

Quote of the Day:

Surgeon: We’ll probably keep her in hospital for a couple days yet mate to run some more tests.

Me: Nah all good mate. Better she’s sorted properly before she comes home and the kitchen will still be here for her whether it’s tomorrow or whenever.

Laughter 

Surgeon: The pathology report has come back on the tumours and the oncologist said they are a weak type.

Me: Oh, so like the Wallabies then?

Surgeon: Hahahaha, actually, I’ll have to give you that one mate.

Laughter 

Thanks for the calls and messages today to both me and the first wife. It really does mean so much and makes a difference.

Even me ol’ mate Biggles came down from Sunny Coast to drink piss with me ‘cos I was thirsty.

Finally, I see Kimberley Winslow GoFundMe page for Marjana has achieved it’s target and once Marjana is back home we will respond accordingly but for now if I could again just say thank you and it’s an absolute massive effort.

Marjana cried today when she saw the amount. It had reached. Each and everyone of you, I consider a good cunt. Once we get through this initial hiccup I look forward to hosting a feed or gathering or something as a show of our appreciation.

#ilovemyfirstwife #thankyouforyoursupport #daybyday

Not wanting to burn bridges so I didn’t push for a second visit today and nor did I speak to my first wife.

Plenty of messages though of which a highlight was a massive fart and when I enquired further lets just say her reply was ‘I told the nurse to run away.’

Think that deserves to make the Quote of the Day.

No doubt she’ll be pissed off at me for sharing that and if she is that’ll mean she’s returning to normal because I tend to piss her off, or at least annoy her quite a lot.

A couple of conversations with our surgeon who touched on a few key points being…

* Marjana is still in ICU but more so for convenience than any other reason. Move to a ward tomorrow.

* She is looking more alive.

* He is very happy with how she is recovering.

* Her bowel movements are returning to functioning mode.

* She should be home by maybe Friday.

* Her infection count has now dropped below some magic number that is crucial to the success of the operation because it means his plumbing skills were tradesman like.

* The pathology results came back from the tumour that I previously offered to piss on and he said that there were actually three tumours and not one, all of which he removed.

* He also spoke with the first wife’s brother Slobo who is a doctor back in the Old Country which was nice of him.

But back in the real world Dilan told me his school shoes are rooted and he needs new ones. I told him that was his ol’ lady’s job but fell victim to the fact she is a bit busy right now, so even went to DFO and bought shoes, for fucks sake.

I also managed to speak with some of the sheilas in our rugby team (player’s ol’ ladies not the actual players) about how to water some of the flowers to keep them alive and with mixed results, think I came away with a win.

Feel free to message Marjana by txt, Facebook, WhatsApp etc and she may or may not reply but no phone calls at this stage as she is still very much in recovery mode.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes, sympathy, empathy and as much as it pains me to say it, for donating either to the GoFundMe page Kimberley set up or in envelopes and shit. People are asking if the can share the GoFundMe page and fuck yes you can. Share and send it wherever you want.

What we are facing isn’t a secret, it’s our new reality and I quite like my first wife when she’s not snoring real loudly, doing her snorting thing or leaving the vacuum cleaner in the way for me to trip over.

But most of all, thank you for your continued love and support.

I had previously met a bunch of her workmates but am now getting to know heaps more and can now say they are a bunch of good cunts after witnessing the cavalry come together and respond how they/you have.

Kodi wrote a little melody that he sent to me for my birthday but also sent to his ol’ lady, hence the kiss at the end. A work in progress but a nice gesture she loved.

Spoke to the first wife a couple times today and she was given the option by our surgeon of coming home today or staying another day or two.

Marjana opted for tomorrow and can’t blame her when ya see the food they give her.

I aint her father but I’ll claim it as Father’s Day gift.

So at this stage, after Dilan rugby game I’ll head in and pick her up.

I’m sure Kodi will happily stay home to clean the house aye 

No real status update apart from the fact she should be home tomorrow and she also got to speak to and see her Mama (WhatsApp) for first time since the op.

No actual chats with surgeon today but txts went like this…

Me: Fuck the food there looks yum as. Maybe we can swap places and I can go there for a feed 😉

Surgeon: Food has come a long way in hospital – man it had to it was bloody awful stuff.

Me: Sweet. So I just rock up and say here to pick up a parolee and they’ll release her from her cell and good to go?

Surgeon: Yep all the bond is sorted 

Recovering sick sheila update:

Today is Wednesday and it was Wednesday last week when my first wife had her guts ripped open and the three tumours taken out.

I managed to get in for another visit for her to sign some papers and while there she was finally moved from ICU to a ward room with a window and view of a windy day and an overgrown, under-maintained garden.

I bought some nice chocolates and a card for the doctors and nurses and wrote some fluffy words on them at her request because the staff have been so nice to her in ICU.

On the topic of food, Marjana finally ate some solids today.

She was very happy to move into her own room that has her own toilet and the fact she can now walk to said toilet by herself is a appreciated.

Also appreciated, were all your cards and small gifts I took in for her to read and see. She loved them and her comments can be your first Quote of the Day:

First Wife: It’s so nice. It’s uplifting. (That speaks volumes).

She knew about the GoFundMe page Kimberley Winslow set up and I said it had now reached $16,000 and she said it was amazing even though she thought it was $1,600 so when I explained about there being another zero she was blown away and it was really nice to see.

I also spoke to our surgeon this morning who couldn’t be happier with her progress and took an evening away from ‘our’ missus to take his daughter to the pub for her 18th birthday. Gotta love those Virgos right.

Other Quotes of the Day were…

Surgeon: Those Oncologists are like the nerds of our industry but they really know their shit and make up these special concoctions.

Me: Kinda like modern day witches and warlocks then?

Laughter 🙂

Surgeon: Seriously mate, even I sometimes have trouble understanding what they are saying so just nod my head.

Laughter 🙂

Me: Oh, it’s like having a wife then?

Talking in more depth about the tumours he removed…

Surgeon: They were definitely three separate tumours. One was the main large one, one was smaller but still significant and the third one was small but I took all three out. The way I see it (referring to Chemo), the more you can remove the less you have to kill later.

Me: Yeah I think Hitler used the same analogy.

Laughter 🙂

Surgeon: But anyway mate, she’s definitely on the path home now.

Me: Fuck, we’re miles away. She’ll be tired as when she gets here.

Laughter 

She must be getting better because she was telling me to clean the house and shit and once she started giving me chores, I said I had to go 

She is still tired as fuck but is untold better than she has been on any other day so far. She is replying to heaps more messages now.

At this stage, looking at Friday for a release from custody.

On another note, anyone know how to kill these little green cunts that are trying to eat all my garden? Figured I’d squash as many as I could see to leave evidence to scare off any others hanging around. Probably not a great theory but hoping someone has a natural solution rather than spraying with poison.