The Cancer Chronicles – Page 6

#26 A morning in the life of my first wife’s slave

Fuck, I’m gunna have to try write these more often as end up having too much to put in and turns into a long as read. But been a busy little cunt of late… you know doing slave shit.

I’m writing this a little backwards (yeah no surprise there I hear you say) as after a little hiccup following last chemo shots the first wife actually came good and felt ok… until she woke up this morning being chemo day again.

Oh man it was fucked as because she had vertigo and couldn’t move for fear of spinning out and spewing. Now I’m always up for a good chunder but ol slave husband would’ve turned into slave husband performing spew clean up duties and fuck that shit, man.

Real speed video of getting spew bucket

So instead, my first wife’s first husband was the equivalent of an old fogeys walking frame being leaned on and grabbed like I seen you sheilas do at one of those male strip shows… okay, maybe not quite like that because the dear ol thing wasn’t too fussy on where she was grabbing, and in her defence probably had a different reason to grab.

Pull her up off the bed in slow motion not too dissimilar to the kids when we tell them to do the dishes…

Shuffle her into the ensuite where I’m sure if I could shit for her she would’ve got me to do that as well…

Find a ragggety old chair outside and bring inside to put into the shower for her to sit on…

Wash it cos it was dirty as an Argentinian rugby player in a ruck…

Use ‘The Force’ and somehow manage to get her into the shower without spewing…

Wash her hair and apparently the 28 in one all inclusive shampoo version that I used to use for everything from shampoo to engine oil isn’t ideal for this little princess’s hair and only one squirt per hair wash I’m told…

But then ya gotta do it again so why not use two squirts to start with? Fucked if I know but anyway, it got washed…

Ah, but then there’s another bottle for conditioner and away we go again… wash, wash, wash, clean, clean, clean or whatever it does…

Note to self…. apparently fondling her tits in the shower isn’t considered part of hair washing chores.

Anyway, I managed to survive that assignment in one piece…

Then a little a wipe with a towel and a pre hair drying artform needs to take place with a weird shaped cloth thing to fold her hair up inside and undertake a level three origami practice with funky folding techniques.

Then do the ol rabbiting (not this dictionary version ‘to have an uncharacteristically-large volume of sexual intercourse – especially with a partner – in a relatively short timespan; or even this one ‘the sport of hunting rabbits’ but the rugby term like a shuffling double movement) thing back into the room so I can undertake another awesome task of drying her hair using a hair dryer.

For any other dudes who want to upskill, just DM me because there is a whole raft of tactics to achieve this correctly. I won’t bore you with details here but it is not a quick process…

Now, where was I? Oh that’s right… slave chores including giving her kisses because secretly we’re happy as fuck that she hasn’t lost her hair (yet) due to chemo and I can still take the piss out of her/it.

With all these directions given and undertaken I’m forgetting the order of ‘em but somewhere along the line I fed her, always making sure her spew bucket was within arm’s (or vomit’s) reach, put her socks on and kiss her feet before doing so. For those who may be wondering, I am a weird cunt alright but not really the feet fetish sort of dude but she digs the ol’ foot kiss so I guess I can’t wait to do it all again.

Not my first wife’s breakfast but my first attempt at home made Thai Fish cakes. Gunna buy ’em next time.

Manage to get my first wife to her chemo session on time which turned into a ‘Yeah, nah not today, sunshine. Because when ya already dizzy as fuck and having ya worst day yet they don’t really want to poison you more. I get it.

So, have booked her in for a physio visit tomorrow to hopefully fuck off this vertigo and postponed her chemo session a week later.

My first wife has had vertigo a couple times and it really fucks her up big time aye. Kinda shit really.

Trying a West African chicken dish a few days ago thanks to a work mate Heather

Marjana’s oncologist is pretty onto it though, is highly rated within the cancer circles and also reminds me of a gnome. She was adamant that I don’t refer to him as a gnome though so for anyone wondering the official line is ‘No he does not look like a gnome at all ^{_{(but really he does)}}. Having said that, I reckon gnomes are cool as fuck. They get to travel the world over when people steal them from gardens and take photos to send back to the owners. So for the record, if ever I call you a gnome it’s not a detrimental term but a term of endearment… not as much a term of endearment as ‘good cunt’ though. And anyway, this oncologist dude is really onto it and we’d be fucked without him, whether he reminds me of a gnome or not…. even though he isn’t a gnome _{^{(but does still really look like one to me).}}

Finish the morning off by taking my slave master, first wife, the ol’ girl aka Marjana back home to give her a feed and watch her sleep on the couch trying not to move at all so she doesn’t spew… and it ain’t even related to cancer for fucks sake.

Then write this blog.

Bit of a cunt of a day but that’s living!

And it really is, so fuck yeah!

When ya cat sees ya and yells at you to let her inside and feed her.

#25 No Bra Day disappointment

I can’t believe all the heathens out there who aren’t supporting ‘National No Bra Day’, today. I mean how can you wear a bra on a day like today?

By heathens, I do mean sheilas as most men are braless every day. If ever there was a day when one should be supporting such a great cause then October 13th is the day.

I’ve actually been outside in public a fair bit today to check who are the strong supporters by not donning the very thing that supports a woman’s tits; a bra.

My first wife Marjana has been calling me a pervert for many years and you know what, maybe she’s onto something. But fuck man, it ain’t all about me checking out tits, nips and the odd areola and shit ya know…

By not wearing a bra today all you sheilas would in actual fact be raising awareness about breast cancer and what do we know about cancer? Cancer’s a cunt, whether it’s bowel cancer like my first wife has, breast cancer, prostate cancer, testicular cancer or any other cancer for that matter.

Okay, maybe not every cancer because if ya born between June 20 and July 22 or there abouts then ya probably thinking Cancer the Crab star sign is a good cancer. I ain’t ever married one so not sure what the spouses of a Cancer Crab reckon though.

I was going to post some nip slips from the ol’ girl and a cool little vid clip I took of her wiping a table when braless but she gave me a look and said in not quite these words but I translated them to mean ‘Don’t you dare even think about it you perverted sick fuck and if you do I’ll chop ’em off and you’ll never get to appreciate them again.’

So not wanting to take any chances, I’m posting a pic of one of my baby lemons that started to grow really well and now looks sick as fuck; not to dissimilar to a nice young tit going sour with breast cancer I suppose.

Not a nipple but not exactly a healthy little lemon either

But anyway the day ain’t over, so I may yet head out for another walk to see if my faith in humanity is restored by seeing heaps of sheilas not wearing bras.

I’ll even take my first wife along because four eyes is better than two, I reckon.

For all you men out there, be you husbands, boyfriends, one night stand dudes or even if you’re a sheila whose into chicks then grab a tit, both of em in fact and if you do so gently enough you may just notice a little lump that’s not supposed to be there… not talking about a lump in the form of an erect nipple from the fondling either but sometimes good does come from bad.

As much as that would suck to find a cancerous lump, it’s worth identifying it earlier so it can be taken care of.

Play nice though boys and girls and for fucks sake don’t go grabbing just any sheila’s tit or having a little play if the sheila whose tit the body is attached to don’t want you to do it. Yeah, nah don’t do that, man.

It looks like this little ‘recovering sick sheila update’ is a bit different to others but still very relevant in a way, I guess… I think… maybe…?

But I’d better give a little update on my first wife’s situation because I wrote most of the last blog but sat on it a few days and by the time I was ready to post it, things had changed but…

After last Wednesday’s chemo session Marjana was fine.

She was also fine with her little chemo bottle thing attached for the next couple of days shooting in the juice right through till Friday when we returned to hospital for them to remove it.

She wasn’t real flash though when she woke up Saturday and was even more fucked Sunday and worse again on Monday.

She started to come good Monday evening and it’s nice to see life in her eyes again today.

I won’t go into specifics but her not feeling real good wasn’t anything to do with erect nipples, the surrounding areolas or the lovely little jiggle that happens underneath a top when a bra isn’t worn. It was more-so chemo related and the flow on effects of it.

Actually, to be honest I don’t even know if this No Bra Day thing is an Aussie thing, an American thing or an international thing but for any non believers out there I did find this on Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Bra_Day.

We all know people who have or have had cancer and some of us have lost loved ones to this cunt of a disease. My first ever cancer loss was a massive one when my nana Eva Hedley died. In the end she had a few cancers but the first one she got was breast cancer and I remember it like it was yesterday. She was a beautiful person I still miss today, as do many other family members and friends.

Fuck you cancer!

I started to put links for anyone wanting to donate to cancer groups but don’t want to choose one over the other and I ain’t no expert so anyone who may want to donate, just google it.

To finish on a positive note though , my first wife may have bowel cancer but she ain’t got breast cancer or even testicular cancer for that matter. Right now, we’ll take what we can get so, fuck yeah!

Now I’m the first to admit I ain’t a breast cancer expert but personally, I do reckon all sheilas should support this great cause every single day of the year.

Disclaimer: no tits were harmed in the writing of this blog.

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#24 Chemo effects suck

No updates for a couple weeks and that’s probably a good sign because nothing significant has happened… that is if you don’t count waking up every day and being alive because that is indeed very significant for all of us, including my first wife and you reading this of course.

The ol’ girl continues to get better by the day and even surprised me a couple days ago by giving me avocado on toast for breakfast which was a pleasant change from the last couple of months but check out the holy bread 😉

She managed to put her own socks on both feet but refuses to do so because I don’t kiss her feet when she does it herself.

She can now load the dishwasher and never seen her looking so sexy 😉

She can also load the washing machine which is a bit of a mission but I tell her it’s like modern day physio so she really needs to practice that shit daily.

She now eats like an eight-year-old skinny boy which is a big improvement though from when she ate like a baby chicken still in an embryo.

She’s folding washing and that people, is another lovely sight to see. Fuck yeah.

She spends a bit more time outside 😊 although out of the sun and wind ☹ I actually think she goes outside to hunt me when I try hide from her in the garden.

She walks more and has a little more energy. Nothing like the Energizer Bunny though but better than the sloth like creature she was (without the sloth body though).

She can now cough which if you haven’t been able to do is a very nice when needed. She still grabs her guts like she used to do with a bottle of fine Marlborough Sav but a cough is a cough.

She can now sneeze without shitting herself all down her leg… nah that shitting all down her leg didn’t happen but probably caught your attention. Remember the Seven Dwarfs comments in a previous update, well this just proves the Sneezy Dwarf personality. She sneezes a bit and even has a runny nose sometimes which they reckon is a weird side effect of the chemo. Far out aye.

She still doesn’t drink piss but I love her anyway. She is gunna have to work on that though because love can only survive like that for so long. I never trust any cunt that doesn’t drink piss.

She can still pour me wine though so, fuck yeah!

She’s down to sleeping on only two pillows and for those that watched the pillow video that’s a humungous improvement from the pillow tower the princess I call my first wife lived upon.

The Princess climbing onto her mountain of a bed

She can wear her chemo bottle with purse attachment a little more naturally but tries her best not to go out heaps during the days she has it attached. That’s Wednesday through Friday every fortnight by the way.

She can now sleep through most of the night sometimes, but fuck I laughed when she dozed off when getting chemo at hospital and woke herself up snoring.

She can whinge like the best of ‘em. First wives are good like that, as are second and third and fourth and many other wives for that matter… actually to be totally honest, she whinges fuck all but I can’t really tell her that. I think she’s saving it up for a real big one. Hoping she’ll let me know when that’s booked in for as have other shit on elsewhere that day, week or even month.

We’re both still off work and she’s gunna be off for quite a while yet. As for me, well fucked if I know but this slave shit ain’t for the faint hearted, I tell ya. I can’t speak highly enough of my bosses though who have my back big time so cheers man. You are good cunts and I appreciate it.

Couple more positives…

Bella the fat thing of a dog has stopped limping so thinking it ain’t something sinister… Fuck yeah! She’s an awesome dog, man. I’ll try and remember to film her every time I walk in the house so you can see her bow. I think the first wife is hoping I’ll learn that bowing trick from her.

Pudding our cat still hasn’t pissed on my clothes again so I’ve refrained from calling her Pudding the cunt and just gone with Pudding. Nah, she’s a cool as cat too and very much misses being able to sit on my first wife’s big fat guts (even if it’s no longer a big fat guts). But it’s ok Pudding, I now got a big fat guts of my own that you can do your soothing claw pressing moves one.

The ol’ first wife must be kinda popular because visitors are still coming almost daily, although as expected they have slowed somewhat to a more manageable level. My first wife enjoys these visits though so anyone who ain’t sick or a fuckhead is welcome to visit.

She is still kinda yellow though and sometimes when I wake up next to her I have to check it’s actually her and not my ol man’s Chinese Mrs. About the time I recognise her as my first wife I also realise I wasn’t stabbed in the guts like the ol’ man so no it ain’t his Mrs.

But her guts is still very much a long way from healed and it really does suck that she can’t eat a lot of the food that normal people eat. Well what we eat, so not really normal people.

Chicken soup is good for the soul… as are good sons and family company

Couple other updates since last post is we had our good mates Biggles and Lexi down for a couple days and that was therapeutic because she loves them, we got to drink heaps of piss together (well most of us) and BBQd over fire for first time in a while and I dig that shit. Of course, our neighbours who are also good cunts too came for beers, feed and a birthday. Fuck I missed that shit.

Dilan got pissed though and managed to show us what he had in his guts.

Some plumber dude came and took a couple hundred bucks off us but fuck was that money well spend or what. When ya first wife has bowel cancer and getting chemo ya don’t want ya toilet or any other drains backing up but he sorted it.

Yesterday some other dude came and did a monkey climbing thing with a chainsaw and by the time he was finished I’m sure he would’ve pissed off some tree huggers. #Fuckthetrees.

Nah, I love trees but the roots were causing massive dramas with our drain pipes and had the potential to fuck up the town sewer pipes that also run through our property so had to be done. That means I been working like a slave doing dump runs and I’m absolutely rooted as I write this.

I wrapped her a present because using a broom is a bit of a struggle for her right now. I’m good like that 😉

I’ll have to blog all other gifts I wrapped for my first wife for you to appreciate this

I wrote most of this a couple days ago and since then she hasn’t been feeling real flash the last couple of days. It’s kinda fucked actually because she doesn’t deserve this cunt of a disease ☹

Watching, smelling and feeling the see (and dogs)

Gunna make some tea from our camomile plant

Impersonating Dilan eating soup

#23 The week following first chemo session

Has been eight days since the first wife had her first lot of chemo and in a nutshell, it went well.

Talking about nuts, I’m going well too for those that keep asking 😉

It was a fucking long day to be honest. I had to run around doing all my slave chores and other sheila shit like shopping. Cunt of a morning actually but the day could have been heaps worse.

The nurse sheilas at the cancer centre were very nice and thank Christ for that because we were there for 4.5 hours. Like every other human that’s gone through it, the first time they connect to the third tit (chemo portal) is kinda scary but Marjana survived to fight another day.

I can’t remember the exact chemo poison they injected but it was one of a few things they gave her intravenously along with some anti nausea shit, some steroids shit, some pain killer shit and a nice Marlborough Sav as a flush and being the wog she is I’m pretty sure they finished with about 250ml of virgin olive oil too.

The next lot of chemo will have an extra addition to stop blood flowing to feed the cancer. Bit of a tricky one because the blood flow is still needed to heal the surgery scars and joined colon inside. This still gives her heaps of pain.

This first chemo visit was still COVID times remember so we had to wear masks right up until we got our own little room area. Fuck having to wear a mask for the whole time… Lucky my first wife aint real ugly because there aint many other people to look at when the masks come off.

Probably the freakiest part was leaving with a bottle of chemo still attached that had to stay on giving little shot doses over the next couple days. It’s connected kinda awkwardly and I’m scared as fuck that it’s gunna get knocked by mistake and snap off like my cartilages in my knees.

So for the next couple days the ol’ girl does everything with a plastic bottle (looks like a baby formula bottle) attached to her by a tube that goes into her portal (that sticks out probably about 15mm). Inside that bottle is a fucking condom of all things. Well it looks like one to me and it slowly shrivels up and shrinks as the concoction transfers from bottle to first wife. The bottle is kept in a little cloth bag.

Because of the steroid she didn’t sleep fuck all that night but on a positive note when she woke up the steroids hadn’t turned her into Arnold Schwarzenegger. Aint real keen on muscly sheilas to be honest. I like feminine ones with soft curves and one now with three tits is better than having one with only two tits, so fuck yeah.

We weren’t sure what to expect as far as spewing and shitting. She was all good but they reckon she’ll get worse with the side effects and because she didn’t chunder I’ve attached a photo of our cat’s chunder instead. Cunt of a thing she is 😉

If it’s not my first wife’s spew I clean up, it’s cat spew

We went back on Friday to have the bottle she calls her wine removed and earlier that day QLD had changed COVID rules so no longer needed to wear a mask. It’s the small things like that and my first wife’s guts that matter.

I say her guts is small because she’s lost 10kg since this cunt of a disease came into our lives. She was already small as like a fucking midget anyway but instead of being a small roundish one like one of the Smurfs she’s now shaped more like Dopey from the Seven Dwarfs but with the personalities of all seven of ’em – Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy and Sleepy, depending on which time of the day/night it is. Some have stronger personalities and I’ll let you guys choose which ones they are 😉

But ol’ first wife is getting a bit more self sufficient every day but does still want me to put her socks on her so I can kiss her feet like the good slave I am.

On Saturday I took her and both our boys to a fun day at Kingston Park Raceway as part of a fundraising thing through her work. Four years ago this welfare group was set up when one of their colleagues Marylyn died and as a result they all put in $5 or more each pay. We attended the very first one and returned this year, more so as a sign of respect because as soon as they heard about Marjana getting cancer this very group immediately donated a couple grand to the GoFundMe page, and later had a bake sale with a similar donation resulting. They must have some fucken good bakers amongst them, I tell ya.

It was only the second time she had been out of the house and it was nice to see her reconnecting with her workmates and for them to see her in real life. My attempt to give a wise cool and very charismatic thank you speech was cut short at the end of the night by go-kart dust and fumes and oil and grease and wind and shit that blew into my eyes.

Marjana’s work fundraising and fun day event

Visitors are still coming almost daily and sometimes even a few at once, but she enjoys it and appreciates it.

Another pamper package arrived today and if she aint the most pampered sheila in all of the world right now I’d be very surprised.

I’m supposed to return to work in a little over a week but will see how that goes, I guess.

On a positive note:

Our cunt of a cat hasn’t pissed on my clothes since I pissed on her so thinking I may start up an ‘advice giving blog’ with the first topic on how to stop ya cat pissing on ya clothes.

My first wife got to show off her wound to some other unsuspecting visitors. You should see how quick she is. Reminds me of a flasher flopping his cock out to unsuspecting victims in the park. She’s fast as fuck, man.

Because we are under the private health system rather than public, the chemo visits are done less than five minutes away from our home with free parking. This is heaps better for us than having to drive to the city every time.

Marjana is now sleeping with a couple less pillows and is down to three high.

Marjana laughs heaps including to this when I read it to her.

A mate of mine has a computer business called Supertech Computers and fixed my laptop, pretty much giving it new insides and although the attached invoice is a piss take he wouldn’t take any money. Anyone wanting new computers or even old ones fixed, please think about using Brett. He’s a good cunt, man and can be found at 0403326639 or https://supertechcomputers.com.au/.

I still love my first wife.

Couple negatives though:

Bella our dog who is a real good cunt and never pisses on my clothes and is happy as fuck just to hear me say her name or even look at her has somehow managed to transfer all Marjana’s lost weight to her guts and has started to limp so hoping it’s nothing serious.

Marjana noticed a little more hair coming out when she brushes.

Marjana’s skin is getting heaps dryer.

Marjana still sleeps with three pillows and not one and can still only sleep on her back.

It hurts when Marjana laughs heaps including when she laughs at these updates.

Our drains are backing up for some reason and my plumber mate is side tracked somewhat.

Our pet bird called Bird hasn’t died… maybe that should be on the positive part above but he’s a noisy cunt of a thing, so fuck him.

Anyone have any floor sanding contacts by the way?

Turned into a long read sorry, but like that awesome song Runaways by The Killers, I do tend to slip when the nights get wild.

The princess’s slave serving her avocado on toast

The pillow collector

Pudding and Bella vid

#22 Chernobyl day arrives

Today is Chernobyl Day, otherwise known as Chemo Day… The first one ever for my first wife Marjana.

As far as first wives go, this one ain’t too bad. Well, she’d be heaps better if she didn’t have this cunt of a disease called cancer of course but beggars can’t be choosers so I’ll take what I can get… as will she (I think)

Like any good housewife who, when arguing with her husband and is handed a vacuum cleaner partway through, immediately stops arguing because her natural instincts kick in and goes on a vacumming rampage; well this little first wife’s clothes folding skills have returned with a vengeance… so there’s a positive. Fuck yeah!

For being the hardest working person I know, I didn’t for a moment think she would take so much satisfaction in ringing that fucking slave bell or banging that fucking gravel thing to bring her modern day slave in to order. It’s quite disturbing ya know.

In her defence though she has been in a lot of pain of late. The lymp nodes in her neck continue to grow and cause massive discomfort. I’ve started watching the Star Wars series from episode one onwards and the deformed growth on her neck looks like some of the aliens from The Outer Rim.

I have worked out though that if I want to stay out of sight and out of mind I just have to remain a little behind her and to one side because she can’t turn her head properly to find me and if she does try to turn and find me she’s slow like the Wallabies to a break down and I can keep moving to remain out of sight. It’s actually a really good game. Usually a highlight to my day.

Last night she slept well for the first time in a fair while but usually her sleeps are just long blinks broken up by having to get up to ease the pain. If my first wife can’t sleep, she sees no reason why her poor li’l husband should sleep too aye

So with that being said and as scary as it is to go get warlock concoctions injected into her third tit (aka chemo portal) it’s something she’s actually looking forward to. It’s the commencement of her counter attack and like any good wog, anything to do with attack comes natural to her.

I was going to draw a nipple on that portal thing but she cracked the shits and said words to the effect of ‘Fuck off you spastic retard. They will think I’m mental if I turn up for chemo and have a hand drawn nipple right where they’re going to inject me.’

I begged and said please a few times but nup and was going to try when she was asleep but she don’t sleep heavy or long enough.

Talking about sleeping though she woke herself up with a snorting grunt yesterday. Now that’s living aye

Over the last few days she has had a continual flow of friends visiting and although they make her tired she has really really enjoyed each visit. I spoke to her about it last night and she said they make her feel better.

So thank you to those that have taken the time to visit because she enjoys it and when you’re here, her focus changes from being slave master to some other alter ego. It’s quite nice actually.

I’m not sure if y’all coming to check on the cook or to make sure I keep writing these updates because they seem to be a bit of a hit with the sheilas from first wife’s work… or maybe y’all just feel sorry for me haha.

Her chemo concoction is a mix of potions and spells but one important addition will be left out today and that’s because her wound from the operation is still healing. Three days with no pus so getting better, yay. But they still can’t add a blood thickening thing to stunt blood feeding the cancer because her guts wound is still recovering.

For those that know my ol’ man and the story about when his Chinese Connection mrs stabbed him in the guts sending him to hospital and her to jail, well my first wife’s stab wound is bigger and better, just the story isn’t as cool.

We’re new to this gig and no doubt millions of others (some we know) have already been dealing with chemo so we aren’t special in that sense but this is unique to us because it’s the first time we have dealt with it.

I wasn’t sure what to say in this update as apart from the commencement of chemo today, I didn’t have much to say but I will say thank you for still caring so much, thank you again to those that donated to the GoFundMe page, privately, for the flowers which make the house smell sweet and for the gift pamper packs and every other piece of goodness.

You’re a bunch of fucking good cunts, I reckon!

Ps: drying ya first wife’s hair is over rated.

Quote of the Day:

First wife: Because they cut heaps of my colon out I get dehydrated heaps quicker.

Me: Not even, wife. It’s because you’re sneaking heaps more kisses now and it dries your lips out and spreads though the body.

First wife: What…?

Surgeon: (via txt) Good luck with next step tomorrow mate, I hope all goes well. If you ever need anything you let me know.

Me: (via txt) Cheers bro. If only you were our oncologist and GP and mechanic and builder and cook and butler and child. You’ve been a legend and ain’t heard the end of us yet.