Milestones are nice aye. Well at least the good ones are.
But even fucked ones can be worth celebrating. You know, like being diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer but still being alive after one full cycle around the sun.
A whole year later and she ain’t even a little bit dead.
Fuck yeah!
Obviously it hasn’t all been what we’d call a shit hot time though. Marjana’s changed heaps but the key point being she’s still alive to actually change.
There’s been some extreme hairstyle makeovers, heaps of spews and gallons of diarrhoea to compliment the constipation along the way and fuck man, those snorts she now makes when she laughs would shame a wild boar.
This cancer life we now live has changed us all as none of us are the same people we were a year ago. Fact!
Although my first wife is still kinda growly (it’s a wife thing I believe), I have to admit she doesn’t sweat the small stuff like our pre cancer days. It’s really puts things into perspective and that’s actually a positive.
But as I sit here typing away my first wife is laying beside me in pain. She’s got her chemo bottle attached and is crying in agony from stomach cramps thanks to chemo.
This particular blog has taken me fucking ages to write as I know for a fact some of you come here for a laugh as well as an update and no cunt reads these aspiring to get depressed. To be honest though, sometimes I do struggle to find the words to cover off both elements. By that I mean, giving a status update without leaving you, the reader feeling like that Mona Lisa sheila looks in that painting.
I’m trying to write this and wipe away my first wife’s tears at the same time. Being the considerate poor li’l wifey though, she helped me by grabbing a tissue to wipe tears from two pairs of eyes and then whispered how romantic it is to share tear tissues. Fuck man, I’m just happy we’re finally saving money on tissue usage but seriously though, that shit can not not change anyone.
Fuck you cancer! You’re a cunt and can fuck right off if ya don’t mind.
Ya haven’t killed us yet. Came pretty close; but close don’t count for shit.
The ol’ girl has struggled a bit of late with her last few Chernobyl sessions affecting her quite badly. She’s been in heaps of pain and continually fatigued as fuck so even her good weeks ain’t like the good weeks of old.
We recently went to see our surgeon. You know the one… Peter the good cunt. Sounds a bit like one of Jesus’s disciples aye. The first wife even put on her nice perfume and a semi decent pair of undies… Nana undies can be semi decent if they are new and don’t have holes apparently.
We were trying to find out why she’s been in so much pain of late. Still not 100% sure but our oncologist who I’m not allowed to call a gnome, even though he looks like one, gave the ol’ girl an extra week off chemo which, along with a couple more blood transfusions helped our cause.
In fact the day after that decision she surprisingly woke up feeling pretty bloody good and stayed like that for almost a whole week… Sometimes we’ll take what we can get.
cat piss on my paving sand 
finished paving with cat piss 
supervising my paving work
It’s fair to say though, we’ve probably been a tad dehydrated of late as too much eye sweat can leave one feeling not very flash at all.
For those who’ve followed these blogs since day one, you’ve no doubt shared a ride with bumps as big as an erect nipple on a lovely perky tit and lows almost as bad as food poisoning the All Blacks in rugby world cup finals. But I’d also like to think that along the way you’ve snuck in a few laughs… and maybe the odd bewildered comment along the lines of ‘Did he really just say that?’. That actually leads nicely into your our quote of the day…
Oncologist: (talking about chemo options) Hopefully we can get that all mopped up.
Me: Oooh yippeee, Marjana just loves mopping and she’s real good at it too.
Going back though to that milestone of surviving an entire year, there are actually a few significant dates we wont forget and we ain’t even sure which one/s to celebrate.
It was back on August 12, 2020 when Marjana woke up with swollen glands, called in sick to work and went to the doctor.
The next few days were an absolute cunt of a time to be honest with the worst being August 19, 2020 when she was officially diagnosed with cancer – stage four metastised bowel cancer to be precise. That’s one mean as memory scar right there.
A few days later came hospital admissions for chemo portal insertion, colonoscopy and ultimately the all important life saving ‘subtotal colectomy’ surgery, which for normal people translates to cutting her guts open, ripping out some cancer tumours followed by a little bit of realignment plumbing and sewing the guts back up.
None of the above were happy times but they are milestones that do deserve to be celebrated. Milestones (at least for me) usually involve drinking a bunch of piss so tend to end up as a good time. I’m sure I read somewhere that this month Virgos gunna luck upon some beer skulls and jager shots but in all honesty it could’ve just been my own fortune telling.
Ideally, I should compile a list of all the people who have helped us through this last year but I refuse because I’ll inevitably leave some cunt off, only to remember after posting the blog. Y’all know who ya are anyway.
Jakesy, you legend 
deck extension 
new light installed 
Look how happy you made her Eric
People often ask how I’m going and to be honest it’s a cunt of a feeling seeing ya loved one in absolute agony and crying uncontrollably because of it.
It’s also a cunt of a feeling seeing the extreme physical change in ya first wife and not that I give a fuck if she’s getting fat or has fuck all hair or whatever but seeing how it’s affected her with a body aging many years in a single year is what’s sad. It’s not just the body but the emotion and mental state that’s affected her because of it.
To see, hear and experience that is quite simply just a cunt. But it ain’t nothing compared to her living it in the first person.
This particular blog wasn’t meant to read like an All Blacks Rugby World Cup loss but real life cancer stories more often than not are unfortunately not usually of the fluffy feel good genre.
Not sure if you’ve heard but there’s this little thing called COVID-19 that also came into the mix around cancer diagnoses time so there’s also that freaky element. Not that we’re the only ones affected by lockdowns and spastics stockpiling toilet paper but one can’t reflect upon the last year without at least mentioning Corona.
If ya are looking for a good time, I do recommend not getting cancer. If, for some reason you did fall victim to it then I personally recommend fighting that mongrel cunt of a thing like their ain’t no tomorrow because one day that may just be the case.
As this particular blog took a few weeks to write, it’s only right that I finish by adding that right now my first wife is actually feeling good this week. So good that we were even able to go on a dump run date together…
… and go to see this really cool band called Victor Bravo live.
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