cancer is a cunt – Page 9 – Woodstock's blog

#19 A slave and cat pisser all in the same day

I pissed on our cat today. Cunt of a thing she is but more about that later.

Three days since last update and nice to know a bunch of you are messaging my first wife to keep updated and a number of whom are asking for more of these updates; I think for entertainment purposes as much as anything.

Marjana is getting better every day and bossy as fuck now. Tell ya what, it’s not easy being a modern day slave to any wife, let alone ya first wife. #JustcallmeKuntaKinte.

Serving the princess avocado for breakfast

Keeping it real, because this rock show ain’t G rated. It’s like a sick and twisted black comedy/documentary with an anticipated happy ending if this writer has anything to say in the script…

But while coaching boys rugby and not home, the first wife’s wound opened up leaking pus and heaps of it. But for some reason she’s got our primo surgeon at her beckoning call and a call to him stopped a minor panic until doting Kunta Kinte slave husband came to dress her wound. It’s now healing again fine.

She eats like a chicken but also chats like one when one of her mates phones or visits. Seriously man and here’s a Quote of the Day to prove it…

Me (replying by txt to our surgeon): Yeah she’s all good bro. Got visitors and talking like a pen full of fucken chickens. She’ll be rooted soon though as will run out of energy 😂

We had a big day on Wednesday visiting our surgeon and lawyers to sign our wills because if ever you need a dose of reality about being mortal, get some cancer in ya because it will do the trick.

Anyway, that was too much for my cleaner for one day as she came back just in time to fill the sink full of spew. For those that have seen Peter Jackson’s first (and greatest) film ever, Bad Taste and can remember the spew bowl they shared at the end… yeah, that! mmm mmm mmm 😉

But she’s heaps more mobile and like a good tradesman, her spud peeling skills are as good as they ever were, thank fuck. I was really worried there for a while that these finely tuned skill-sets picked up over years would slip off into an abyss.

Some good mates of ours had to put their dog down today 😢Sad times and feeling for you fellas Next Quote of the Day is when we were texting about it being a possibility…

Me: If ya do put her down see if ya can get a 2 for 1 deal as considering same for the mrs 😂

We had more food dropped off and as mean as a cook I am, this latest stuff was really bloody tasty and not stuff I tend to cook so thanking you heaps guys.

Had to stop this to take a call from the oncologist secretary sheila to pay a bill from first visit and both she and my first wife laughed like fuck when I thanked her for phoning and for taking so much money off us

Laughter 😂

Another Quote of the Day from when we were at our surgeons on Wednesday…

Surgeon: Well, your climbing a mountain alright Marjana.

Me: Oh, she knows all about mountains. When she was a kid she had to walk barefoot in the snow up a mountain while carrying a goat over her shoulders just to get to school and then walk back home. Up hill both ways too!

Marjana: It was a donkey, actually.

Laughter 😂

First wives love their hair being done by good friends too by the way

Gotta love Croatian friends who do ya hair

If anyone does come to visit please don’t be offended if you’re asked to wear a mask. We have some. If the first wife gets sick, she’ll be a bit fucked so kinda hoping to minimise the chance of that happening.

So, about the cat. Pudding is her name and for those that have been my FB friends for ages, you’ll be aware of this pissing battle but for my new FB friends (Marjana’s mates) who aren’t aware of it, scroll through older posts to see the unfolding saga.

But my first wife woke me up saying ‘Brendon, Pudding is pissing on your clothes again.’ Jump up and sure enough there she was sprinting away too fast for this beat up old cunt to grab her. I may be beat up and old but I’m be cunning just like a cat. Anyway, I managed to trick her into thinking I’m a real good cunt and didn’t care that she pissed all over my clothes again and grabbed her. Did the ol’ rub her nose into my soaking jeans and threw her outside. It helps that I sleep naked and it was first thing in the morning so was already prepared and gave her a dose of her own medicine. So yeah, I might walk around in public smelling like her piss, but she’s now walking around in public smelling of my piss.

I thought ‘Fuck Yeah! Take that you fucken cat, you!’… and then I saw the look on her face as she was staring at me from outside (see pic) and now I am scared. Very scared! Gulp…

Oh, you are well an truly fucked, human.

Prawn salad from the garden (well, except for maybe the prawns)

Fruits (well veges) of my (garden) labour

#18 My first wife is settling in just nicely

Marjana is recovering very nicely at home; almost as if she knows the place and is comfortable there 😉

Kitchen, ta daa stage thanking DMW Cabinets and Shopfits and making my first wife go 😊 and 😪 at the same time ❤

Sleeping, recovering and a few very pleasant visits 🥱

Now she is home, we’ll give updates but less of them and gunna concentrate on getting better 😊

Feeling and looking a lot better and too cunning to fall for my offer to swap sides of the bed. Her clean side without bedside table for my dirty side with bedside table 👏

So much love people 🙏

Ok, not all kitchen was completed but this side was

Tradesman and company owner David of DMW Cabinets in Capalaba

#17 My first wife returns home

My first wife is home 😊 and think she was hanging out to effect an escape as was texting me while still at Dilan rugby game asking me how long before we come steal her away 😉

The ol’ girl is looking a bit beat up and worse for wear and talk about take fucken ages to get up the stairs, man. Gunna have to get her doing some hill sprints like pre season training stuff, I reckon.

Looks like she’s lost a bit of weight too and although she reckons that’s not a bad thing, there are probably better ways to go about a weight loss program than having some of ya guts ripped out and not eating bugger all food for a couple weeks.

Anyway so a little highlight of her day was coming home to an almost completed (partial) kitchen redo which couldn’t have happened without the input of some real good cunts.

We have heaps of partial renos being done and Marjana had been nagging for years about redoing the kitchen. Our stove fucked out a couple months ago so it took a priority. She loves nagging by the way. Real bloody good at it too, in case ya wondering!

So how this kitchen thing came about was the Wednesday when the first wife was having her colonoscopy I met Eric Angles, Norman Bull and Gayle Bengston for a coffee. Like all you other good bastards they offered to help in any way possible and our kitchen came up in conversation.

Some of you may know this team from sponsoring our Coffee with a Cop events or from other businesses they have like the magazine Writers Reserve. They live by the motto ‘pay it forward.’

So they shot around to our place, saw our rooted one and came up with a plan. I then had to pick up the first wife, drive her to her appointment, do our appreciative but sad thank you video clip before kicking her out and heading to Ikea to buy a fucking kitchen that she had already drafted a plan of a month earlier.

Squeeze it in our car including a bench top (even though the cook had said not to use an Ikea one) which was later returned. Unpack it at home and spend the next few hours waiting for the surgeons call to say the op went well. It was a really fucken shit time to be honest… Ikea visit AND bowel cancer surgery!

On the Friday the good cunts I mentioned above came around with a handyman mate who owed them a favour, they ripped the old part out and I put the Ikea cabinets together while they did their thing.

From then until the following Wednesday we had shit everywhere as had no storage space, no stove or oven so lived like the ferals we are anyway and survived in a construction zone, often with beer to get us across the line.

Come Wednesday and the team returned with another really good bastard who I wouldn’t mind at all if Dilan married into their family by the way and they also brought a stone bench top that is pretty much identical to another one we have. Forgot to mention that our cool as neighbour who my first wife trusts Sam aka Marty Barrett came over and said ‘Don’t you dare use that ugly as fuck bench top from Ikea’ but in nice words, not my way.

So need to say a massive thank you to Pine4apply Pty Ltd from Cleveland who donated the bench top that saved us heaps of coin. They’re at 4/57 Shore St West, Cleveland – ph 0433667409.

Talking about that, Wednesday also brought Dave Wilson around and both he and his cool as wife Kinita have a family owned cabinet making business in Capalaba called DMW Cabinets and Shopfitting at 9/100 Redland Bay Rd, Capalaba – ph (07) 33903355 and 0422576720.

We owe all these people heaps and although the kitchen is still not finished, this is a major step in the right direction and we’d be fucked without their help right now.

The first wife was blown away big time when she came home to it and said she feels ‘very blessed’ and that ‘these people are just so nice, it makes me cry.’

But anyway team, for those of you still following these posts the main points for today were the fact the cook is home and she has a partial new kitchen as a surprise 😊

Cheers for the wine for Father’s Day Kodi. Fuck, I love wine… and beer.

Quote of the Day:

Driving first wife home from hospital and Dilan is telling her about rugby today.

Marjana: Ah? Eh” Huh?

Me: What did you learn fucken Chinese in that hospital? Sounds like it.

Marjana: Aye? What?

Me: Well they obviously didn’t fix your deafness when in hospital aye 😉

But anyway, it’s nice to have the first wife home even if she is bossy as fuck. She does look a bit rooted but understandably so and onwards and upwards from here.

Cheers

Run some water (for a bath) she said.

Heartfelt appreciation for the good will of good people

#15 The importance of having a shit

The inevitable explosions have occurred so the final main tick has been achieved.

Having said that, it looks like she’ll probably be in over the weekend as a precautionary matter only.

My first wife asked if I could visit and she was told no. I phoned without knowing she’d already asked and was told I could visit for an hour. Marjana used the term ‘charmer’ but whatever it was, it worked.

She is coming along nicely and her scars are still a distant second to my rugby wounds but not bad for a sheila, I guess.

I took in the freshest of the flowers previously delivered and she loved them. They still smell fresh as too.

Talking about smells, I farted in her room to show her how its done, you know sort of in support and encouragement. If a nurse had walked in I was going to blame the first wife as that would’ve been very easily believed.

It was really nice to see her and she was happy as to have me visit too.

It took me almost the whole hour to read each name of every person that donated to the GoFundMe page but it was a nice moment and still is very heart warming.

I asked if I should stop these updates now or if she wanted to start posting. She told me to keep going as it makes her laugh and brings people together, so looks like I have to continue swearing like a motherfuck.

Me ol’ mate Biggles is still here so I aint gunna be thirsty.

Kodi has gone for 21-year-old fun.

Dilan has been busy as fuck and more about that later.

Spoke to our surgeon again of course and here’s ya Quote of the Day…

Surgeon: Geez mate, I feel like I risk my life every time I go to that Sunnybank hospital.

Me: Yeah, they can’t drive for shit there aye. Probably why they put a hospital there; just in case, aye.

Laughter

Me: My cook drinks Marlborough Savs like a fish.

Surgeon: Yeah, its a beautiful part of the world. Just a shame about the inhabitants haha.

Me: Yeah, I’ll give ya that one after my Wallabies pisstake yesterday bro.

Laughter

Benefits of visiting is have photos of her to post, rather than our garden

You stink

Trying to build lung strength

#14 Still in hospital but house cleaned

Spoke to my first wife couple times today and she’s had better days (fuck man, a week ago every day was better, I guess).

Marjana is feeling tired and waiting on the last tick to come through before she gets to come home and that’s a big fat shit, which is still missing.

I’d offer to cover that for her like I do her speeding tickets but don’t think it’s gunna help much.

Our surgeon just phoned and it doesn’t look like she’ll be coming home tomorrow because of it.

Probably going to do a scan to check the bowel hasn’t twisted or some other funky thing going on

But like I told her, it’s better she stays in hospital until she comes home with no complications… both her and our sugeon Peter agreed. Brainy cunt aye

I finally succumbed to the mrs nagging about cleaning the house and had our cool neighbours Sam and Marty Barrett come over… or at least Sam as her cleaning skills are expert level and Dilan, Kodi and I are kinda feral. Happy now wife?

On a postive though (and it’s a fucking massive positive), the oncologist has reported back that the tumours are a variety that should respond well to treatment.

Quote of the Day:

Surgeon: We’ll probably keep her in hospital for a couple days yet mate to run some more tests.

Me: Nah all good mate. Better she’s sorted properly before she comes home and the kitchen will still be here for her whether it’s tomorrow or whenever.

Laughter

Surgeon: The pathology report has come back on the tumours and the oncologist said they are a weak type.

Me: Oh, so like the Wallabies then?

Surgeon: Hahahaha, actually, I’ll have to give you that one mate.

Laughter

Thanks for the calls and messages today to both me and the first wife. It really does mean so much and makes a difference.

Even me ol’ mate Biggles came down from Sunny Coast to drink piss with me ‘cos I was thirsty.

Finally, I see Kimberley Winslow GoFundMe page for Marjana has achieved it’s target and once Marjana is back home we will respond accordingly but for now if I could again just say thank you and it’s an absolute massive effort.

Marjana cried today when she saw the amount. It had reached. Each and everyone of you, I consider a good cunt. Once we get through this initial hiccup I look forward to hosting a feed or gathering or something as a show of our appreciation.