So I thought I was woken up this morning by someone pouring a bucket of water over my head, but instead of water it was my first wife’s spit. Apparently I made her laugh as she was in the process of kissing me and when I told her that her spit is yum as fuck, she snorted and spat snot or spit on me again. Fuck it’s good to be loved aye.
She’d actually woken me up earlier to be honest because although she (allegedly) let me sleep in she failed to mention the fine print that while I slept she was going to leave our bedroom door open and use as many of our loudest appliances as she could. If she could’ve moved the washing machine and dishwasher closer I’m sure she would’ve but it didn’t really matter anyway because during any real quiet periods she’d do things like drop a cricket bat on her foot and scream loudly in pain.
In case that hadn’t done the trick to wake me up she then came back to bed and sat next to me while I slept. She then did her good Catholic girl thing and prayed to her God who, until then I wasn’t aware was actually deaf because why else would a nice Catholic girl pray so loudly right next to me. I’m sure God knows sign language so kinda hoping the cook can pick it up too which may help with my sleep somewhat.
‘You’re an idiot’, she reckons 
‘A funny idiot though’
But anyway, it ain’t about me so back to this recovering sick sheila blog update…
Apologies that it’s been over a month since I last updated y’all but as far as slaves go, I reckon I’m amongst the most rooted in the history of the world. Rooted from doing renos and shit; not rooted like slaves were back in the olden days.
While on the subject of slaves I would like to mention that as far as slave masters go my first wife would be classed as ‘Level Expert’ if ya go by how much work I’ve done.
I’ll gunna have to do a few catch up blogs but first up a positive to report. The ol’ girl had a CT scan a couple weeks ago that showed the cancer has shrunk somewhat so that gets a full on ‘Fuck yeah!’ from us.
Cancer’s a cunt, man and this has without doubt been the worst thing that’s happened to us as a family since she hunted and collected me way back in 1996. But she ain’t dead yet and neither am I, and nor are our kids or any of you reading this so here’s another ‘Fuck yeah!’. Not that she’s gunna die any time soon but when good people die that sucks big time (thinking of you right now Keiley).
As I write this, my first wife is sitting next to me pinging up her Chernobyl poison and giggling at some messages she’s reading from her friends.
I think for everyone’s sake though, I need to reiterate the fact that English is her second language and all the times she’s replied to messages saying she’s getting ‘bold’ she actually meant ‘bald’. All you mates of hers who read those ‘bold’ messages must’ve thought ‘Onya girl!’ when really it’s more of a plucked chicken meme.
Two of the main reasons I married this sheila way back when, is because she had really good hair and bloody good knees too. My head’s pretty fucked up with my shit hair and with seven arthroscopies to date, my knees were always my rugby nemesis. So if I was ever gunna breed it’d be good for my kids to have good hair (for pulling chicks) and good knees (for rugby) because they got plenty of spastic whether they liked it or not.
It’s lucky for Marjana she had heaps of hair to start with because she’s loosing it quicker than those sheilas from the Hibiscus Coast lose their virginity. It’s actually a little selfish in a way (not the Coasty sheilas giving up the virginity quick as – nah you keep that tradition well and truly going I reckon) because so many other good people fucked up on cancer lose their entire head of hair quick as fuck due to the chemo they’re on, where as my cook’s chemo is only supposed to thin the hair out. To the untrained eye, it may not even look like she’s lost any but you can certainly find bold, I mean bald patches if ya scratch the surface and her puffy eyes from crying add weight to it being fact. If she didn’t have a complex before I think I just gave her one when she reads this. Sorry wife 😉
The result after every shower 
One first wife’s loss is one first husband’s gain
Untold has happened since I last wrote but our lives have pretty much gone like this…
I wake up and do renos and shit, and cook and eat and drink piss and crawl into bed at the end of the day like some beat up old cunt who can hardly walk; pretty much because that’s what I am anyway.
Remove old kitchen and still installing new one 
Part of new kitchen with built in wall 
Remove window and build in wall 
Removed old kitchen window and install new one 
Remove sliding door and install new window on deck 
Remove sliding door and install new one 
Remove old window and install new 
Who doesn’t love a trooper wife still wiling to be squashed into a car full of timber
The ol’ first wife though will get all these lovely visits from her work mate sheilas who actually seem to be really nice and care and shit. She used to tell me they were a bunch of pain in the ass cunts at work who were feral and lazy as fuck liars and… oh actually, maybe that was the prisoners, sorry.
Seriously though man, my first wife’s had heaps of visits lately and she digs ’em almost as much as she digs seeing me work like I’ve never worked before (except for maybe back in my ol’ man-whore days).
Most days over the last month have gone like this…
I work like an old decrepit slave.
Marjana socialises like a princess on a social dating competition.
I work like an old decrepit slave.
Marjana socialises like a princess on a social dating competition.
I work like an old decrepit slave.
Marjana socialises like a princess on a social dating competition.
Etcetera…
Your quote of the day comes from a chemo session…
Oncologist: Sometimes I can make it sound a bit worse than what it is.
Me: Oh, like a wife does when a husband leaves his clothes on the floor.
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